


Say It Isn't So

by gurajiorasu



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-19
Updated: 2015-08-19
Packaged: 2018-04-15 14:36:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4610454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gurajiorasu/pseuds/gurajiorasu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No. It wasn’t Jun’s fault. It wasn’t even Ohno’s. It was all just his fault. His and his alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Say It Isn't So

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Ohmiya's Non-No, May 2015, with the theme of Hamburger that was picked by Jun.
> 
> Title was taken from Gareth Gates' Song. You know.. the one that goes-  
> Say it isn't sooooooooooo~~ Tell me you're not leaviiiiiing~ ; v ; /cries a river

Nino thought that his manager was joking when he broke the news. It couldn’t be, he thought. Universe couldn’t be that cruel, he insisted. But apparently, the odd wasn’t in his favor; it was no kidding at all. He was going to have a photo shoot with Ohno Satoshi. And hamburger.

Even when he’s already sitting there, with hamburger in front of him and Arashi’s leader across of him, he still hoped that it wasn’t real. That it was just another nightmare that he had to get through.

Actually, the whole circumstances should have been paradise for Nino. It should have been beautiful as fuck. If it happened a month or two before, it is.

But right then, it was a torture. The worst kind of it.

Nino’s mind wandered back to their early years as he watched Ohno eating the dish. He recalled the very beginning of this doom - he didn’t even need to try, he always remembered; how he and his mindless idea that he thought was genius destroyed everything to ashes slowly.

Nino regretted it deeply; how he initiated all the touches and all the groping that they ever had. He despised the very idea of fan service. He loathed it, even. Because if he didn’t initiate it, if he didn’t blurt the idea of doing it for the sake of the fans, then it might not get so blur and confusing.

Nino realized it too belatedly, how it was a bad idea. All the kisses, all the hugs, all the caresses that could easily be interpreted as love was getting ambiguous. Was it all for the fans? Was it all just pretend? They got really used to it that it had lost its true meaning. It’s nothing now. It’s just another hello or another high five.

At some nights, Nino would find himself pondering. What kind of relationship were they having? Was it all only for the fans? Was it all true?  
He could just waltz through all those bugging questions when he was younger, but as he got older, as his friends started to find their own stable partner, he couldn’t runaway anymore.

He needed an assurance. He needed an answer.

Moreover when Ohno had grown to be close to other members too. To give the same amount of affection to the others too. To become clingy and all touchy to the others too.

“Don’t you want to eat your burger, hm?” Ohno asked suddenly. So lightly and so normally like always.

Like when Nino clung to him.

Like when they hugged and touched.

Like when they kissed in front of the fans.

Like when Nino said that he loved him.

Like when Nino asked to stop everything.

A fragment of memories about that day sent a sharp jab to Nino’s chest. He smiled weakly and shook his head. “Later,” he said simply, still watching Ohno eating the burger.

The photographer was doing his job and Nino couldn’t care less about it. To him, Ohno was the only thing that existed. He focused on every little thing that Ohno did - every little thing that he had known so well, that had been etched to the back of his head. The way Ohno chewed, the way Ohno opened his mouth, the way Ohno breathed.

And it was all the same. Absolutely the same. Nothing had changed and it pained Nino all the more.

 _“Let’s stop this. The fans had enough of it, don’t you think?”_ Nino remembered how his heart raced when he spilled those words, hoping that Ohno would oppose it; that Ohno would say that none of it was for the fans only.

Nino also remembered how his eyes lost their focus and how his world stopped spinning when Ohno just stared at him and said, _“If that’s what you want. Okay, then.”_

Nino folded his hands in front of his chest, hiding the fact that he felt it again; the excruciating pain of having his heart broken to pieces of nothingness.

“It’s delicious,” apparently Ohno was trying to make a conversation, “Maybe as delicious as the one that MatsuJun had in LA.”

There. Something snapped inside of him.

He looked down and chuckled. He squeezed his arms closer to his chest and chuckled.  
He chuckled and chuckled. He chuckled to himself. Laughing at himself.

Suddenly everything felt bitter and awful.

_Of course._

Of course Ohno had to bring MatsuJun into the conversation.

Maybe Nino’s mind was making this up but if felt like by doing so, Ohno was reminding him that he was not special. He was just another member that happened to be in charge to have close interaction with Ohno. It was all just a role. A role that could be taken by another member as well. By MatsuJun, for example.

How idiot, Nino laughed at himself pathetically, how fucking idiot he was to be carried away by the allusion that there was something else between them in all those years.

Nino stood up and walked away, suddenly feeling mad.

Mad at Ohno. Mad at Jun.

Mad at himself.

He entered the changing room, making wardrobe change as an excuse to run away from Ohno for a while. He breathed; he was suffocating and he wasn’t even aware about that. He fought the urge to break down and cry. He breathed - again - because he still hadn’t gotten his breathing right. He felt poisonous anger towards Jun and he hated himself because of that.

No. It wasn’t Jun’s fault. It wasn’t even Ohno’s. It was all just his fault. His and his alone.

Nino bent down and his hands reached where his heart was. He had given his heart to Ohno years and years ago, yet he still could feel it when it broke. He could hear it. The sound of it rang in his head, crumbling his defense down every time.

Nino slid down with his back leaning on the door. He curled himself up. His head was buried on his knees and his arms were hugging himself tight. He transformed himself into a pathetic human ball yet he still felt cold. So cold. Unlike all those times when he still had Ohno touching him.

He fought back his tears, but his eyes still got damp. He cursed himself, ordering himself to toughen up and get over it already, but he couldn’t.

A knock on the door and Nino knew he had spent too long inside the changing room. He slapped himself and got into his next clothes as fast as he could. He stood in front of the mirror and tried to smile, but he couldn’t do that too.

Then, another knock. But this time, the knock made Nino’s heart jump.

“Nino, are you okay?” it was Ohno.

Nino had a hard time containing himself. He wanted to cry and yell and be mad at the same time. Because no, he’s not okay. And no, he would never be okay.

Yet, Ohno sounded so fine. So okay. So unaffected.

And that’s what yanked Nino to the bitter fact that they’re over.

That they had never even been a thing on the first place.

So Nino got out and shrugged Ohno off with a short, “The zipper was caught,” and kept on. Just like Ohno had kept on with his life.

But it was not easy, really. Nino had resorted on finally eating the burger just so he had something to do other than looking at Ohno, but his eyes kept finding the older like they had their own will. There were times when he realized that his eyes were getting moist and he had to pull on a lame joke to force himself to have a little laugh that could diminish the tears. He tried to act normal, but he didn’t know where to put his hands, where to look at, or what to talk about. Everything felt wrong.

Because everything that Nino had been thinking about them was also wrong.

Nino breathed. Breathed. Breathed.

It’s over, he thought as Ohno chuckled his usual chuckle on one of his half-assed joke. It’s really over, he repeated as Ohno looked up at him and there’s not even a hint of change in that gaze. And if Ohno could keep on with his life like that, why couldn’t Nino?

Right?

Nino snorted a laugh to himself as the last shot was taken. He immediately change to his personal clothes and strolled to the exit.

“Going home, Nino?” Ohno asked, sounding weird or maybe worried but most probably it’s just Nino’s mind playing tricks on him. Again.

Nino couldn’t even turn to look back at Ohno. He gripped the knob and turned it.

Before disappearing behind the door, Nino said, “Bye, Oh chan,” and continued in his head:

And thank you.

For the pretend.

For the cooperation.

For the touches.

For the imagination.

For the fantasy.

For not changing.

Nino hated himself for crying. He hated himself for not being able to look back at Ohno. He hated himself for not being able to keep on with his life.

If Ohno could keep on with his life like that, why couldn’t Nino?

The question repeated itself in Nino’s mind. Nino found himself an answer on the blurriness of everything:

Because Nino was in love. Ohno was not.

*******

Ohno looked at Nino’s back. He wanted to run after the younger, but he felt like he shouldn’t. He didn’t really know why, though. All that he knew was that Nino had changed.

It was all started with Nino’s request on stopping the fan service. Ohno had agreed immediately. For Ohno, relationship wasn’t all about physical interaction, after all.

But then, Nino started to change. It felt like Nino was inching away. It felt like Ohno couldn’t reach him, like Nino was leaving him away. Even if he tried his best to act normally, Nino wouldn’t react to him like he usually did.

A staff patted Ohno’s back, startling him, and asked, “Not going back together with Ninomiya san?”

“Ah..,” Ohno couldn’t find any better answer.

The staff studied his expression and he furrowed his brows, “Something felt off today, you’re still together with him, right?”

The question pushed the wrong - or, maybe, the right - button. It yanked Ohno to a realization - a big one that he should already have since the first time Nino asked him to limit their physical proximity. It was like finally Ohno’s brain was forced to think about it, to make a conclusion, to wonder that way. Ohno felt himself trembling, his eyes were blown. He felt his heart clenching. He wanted to say something but he couldn’t. He couldn’t even say his thanks or his greeting. He just turned and rushed away.

Ohno didn’t know where he was heading. He just kept swinging his heavy feet until he found a secluded corner that was quiet enough. He fell down to his knees, shaking.

Ohno took out his phone and he wanted to call Nino. He really, really wanted to do it, but once again, he couldn’t. The realization was too much that he wasn’t sure he could manage if he was about to talk to Nino. It felt like a dam had been broken; it overflew and flushed him down the drain of despair.

So, instead of calling Nino, he called Jun.

Jun picked up a second later with an opening of, “How was the photo session, Riida? Did he say something? Are you guys okay now?”

And Ohno fell down further. Deeper.

A drop of tear fell on his cheek as he finally answered all the questions that were left unanswered,

“I- I don’t know.”


End file.
